What I learned in 2 years of reparenting

It has been quite some time since I sat down and typed up my thoughts about life as an adoptive mom.  Yes, life has been busy but mostly I believe I did not want to face the actual feelings that I have had throughout this two year journey. I reminds me of when a couple get married and all the happiness and excitement that happens during the wedding and honeymoon and then they return and have to learn how to live with one another. Although I had the kids in my home for over 4 years, once the third party was gone, I had to learn how to do my role as mom and not grandma.

I found myself looking at and experiencing depression. You see I had this notion that I would be co-parenting with my oldest daughter but instead it became more adversarial than anything. Tons of therapy appointments, visits to specialist, and regular doctor visits took it toll of me also. The biggest hit was that in spite of being with us for over 4 years, there was still a part of my oldest that still held out hope that his mom would come and get him or he would find her. This prompted the boys to go out the window why we were sleeping early in the morning.  The range of emotions that came with that experience placed me right in the middle of depression. You see in my mind I had failed to make these children feel that they were home and loved. I didn't think about the other aspect of them just missing their mother because she had not been an active participant in their lives for quite some time. It was me I just knew it and thus I sank into despair until I realized I was there and then I began to fight my way out.

I wasn't trying to fill my daughter's shoes as mom. I was still trying to be grandma but the conflict came because I expected gratitude for the things that were given but forgot that it was not really taught. I had not fully accepted my assignment but I did it and this too caused a conflict within me and also in the house. I wanted out. I wanted to be able to do anything that I wanted to do and not have the parental responsibilities. Yet, I knew I had responsibilities. It was not fair. I had a nonprofit to grow and to soon to be consulting business why am I being punished for the decision of my child. Then I remembered that I made a choice along with my husband and daughter to ensure that these children were healthy, happy and loved. I signed up for this sacrifice and it was time to pay the bill.

I found ways to enjoy and work in my nonprofit and be the mom I was meant to be the kids. I was no longer lost in despair I was building both my business and my family. Neither of which were going to grow successfully in an instance but would need tender loving care to grow and succeed and I was just the person to give it.  Life is not all sunshine and lollipops but thank God it is not all dark clouds and rainstorms either. What I learned specifically about me is that I am a woman of action and what is always the catalyst for the actions I take is love.

I truly thank my family: Chris, Regina, Daniel, Deondre, Trinity and Shadough for being with me on our journey and I know each year will be better than the last. Happy Second Adoption Anniversary!